Groundhog Day

The bars on my heart are not to keep people from loving me, not to push people away, and not to protect myself from others.
They’re to protect me from myself. To keep me from ripping my heart out of my chest. To keep me from plunging a dagger into my soul. And to keep me from hearing the pounding, that beats and beats and beats, until I want to make it all stop.
You may have thought this was a love poem. But there is no love in my life when all I can hear is the screams of my past and my heart and the music, and
When the classical music reaches my ears, I want to scream until I can no longer hear it, because the thought of being deaf is more appealing than listening to my alarm. The calling it sings to me begging me to get up just one more day. But everyday it lies, telling me it’s just this time- when in reality it’s more than a lifetime.
And why would I want to wake up when I open my eyes and all I see is darkness engulfing me. The lights are on and the sun is up but only for everyone else. The only thing that rises for me is my depression and anxiety, reminding me of all the stress that comes with the new day, and how I don’t have the energy to do any of it. And don’t forget Ana who tells me I look awful that day but thats a whole ‘nother problem. And I just want to go back to bed and never wake up.
And they ask how I’m doing- and I tell them just fine
And they say I look tired- and I tell them I stayed up late doing homework.
But I am anything but fine, and God knows I didn’t stay up doing homework. I stayed up avoiding responsibility. Saying to myself that if I stayed up, tomorrow would come later. So I stay up for hours past my bedtime, thinking that if I stay up just a bit more- I will want to do my homework that’s due tomorrow. That I’ll actually end up fully rested and have everything done that I needed to.
And now it’s the afternoon and the morning was all a blur and I don’t remember what the teachers have said- but it doesn’t matter anyway because it’s everyone’s favorite time -lunch.
I sit down by my friends not bothering to buy lunch- they must know the drill by now, yet someone still asks if I’m hungry.
No I’m not hungry, I’m starving. but the pressure of society makes me feel sick. So sorry, I can’t eat because I’m feeling so sick.
All the sudden I’m home and I have chores and responsibilities and i try to avoid it all by sleeping and watching a movie- if only I had a life like a movie- where every day is good- and there are some bad parts. But don’t worry because every thing ends up happily ever after.
Unfortunately the only movie I am in is Groundhog Day, and it never ends.
Because now that I’ve avoided my job for the day it’s time to stay up all night and repeat it all in the morning.


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